I was excited to leave college and felt that I was more than ready to head in to the great unknown. I was sick of school, or at least my breath or “general education” classes, and was ready to test my mettle in the film industry. I was shopping my screenplay to both investors and studios with the hope that I could jump immediately into doing what I wanted, opposed to starting from the bottom of the food chain, or having to work a non-film related job to make ends meet. I failed. Studios passed on my script and nobody wanted to fork over a couple hundred thousand dollars to help me achieve my dream. For a couple more years, I kept on trucking; I tweaked my scripts, I wrote a sitcom pilot, but nothing came to fruition. Eventually, I decided I needed a break from screenwriting and I decided to start a blog. That temporary break has since become sort of indefinite.
I was absolutely over-confident that my writing was going to immediately take me somewhere. I wasn’t thinking about fame and fortune necessarily, but I was definitely hoping to do something I felt I was passionate and skilled to do. It took me a few years to get over the “if I don’t write for a living, my soul is dying” attitude and while I have definitely not given up on writing, I am more willing to enjoy “the ride” opposed to trying to dictate where I’m going. I’ve been humbled, so if I ever get the opportunity to write for film/TV, I’m a lot more willing to work on projects that I might’ve deemed beneath me in the past. To show my commitment to writing, I’m going to give Joel Schumacher some advice for if/when he ever decides to make a reboot of the critical and box office failure, Batman and Robin.
(Disclaimer: I, in no way am advocating that Christopher Nolan relinquish the rights to the Batman franchise.)
Batman and Robin currently holds a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, far below the 84% rating of Batman Begins and the 94% rating of The Dark Knight, so logically it would be foolish to take the franchise away from Christopher Nolan (the director of the latter two) and give the franchise back to Joel Schumacher (who basically burned the franchise down to the ground, his first Batman movie, Batman Forever clocks in at a paltry 42%, Tim Burton’s films are rated at 70% or higher), but Hollywood is not always known for making sound rational decisions, so while we all await whatever Christopher Nolan is cooking up for his 3rd Bataman movie, there is a minute chance that somehow Joel Schumacher will somehow end up with the franchise again. I’m not hoping for it, but if it does happen, let me help the man out.
First of all, lets keep Bruce Wayne/Batman as is. Christian Bale is a fine actor and while he might be a rage-aholic, that fits Bruce Wayne like a glove. Also, I don’t think George Clooney will give it a second shot after all the ridicule he received after the first go around. Second of all, lets simplify things. While there were many things wrong (and many of those things are probably unfixable) with Batman and Robin, lets simplify things story-wise. Introducing 2 new villains and Bat Girl all in one film is too much, and since Nolan hasn’t (and may never) introduce(d) Robin, we have quite a conundrum. In short, my advice is to: allude to the introduction or Barbara Gordon as Bat Girl for a future movie, introduce Robin in some more updated fashion (not the child of circus acrobats who tragically died performing a stunt), and pick two villains that are just around to wreak havoc.
The two villains that would be perfect for this would be The Penguin and Mr. Freeze, and they should be played by the original actors, Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The two have a natural chemistry from their time together in the movie Twins (which I’m guessing will eventually be given a reboot, might as well kill 2 birds with one stone with this reboot) and their recent fame could be used to help promote the film. Opposed to making the Penguin into a cartoony villain, DeVito could just reprise his character from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, except he could be more decrepit and sinister (if that’s possible). Arnold, on the other hand, could make his usual set of one liners, but now that he’s just finished a term as governor, he could make his one-liners politically topical such as: “My heart is colder than the hiring freeze for California public schools.”
Once again, I would recommend that there be as little origin story for these two as possible. Mr. Freeze doesn’t need to be pining after his wife. He can just be the product of some botched experiment and there needs to be very little explanation of why he and the Penguin are trying to destroy Gotham. Skip the sentimentality and just let the duo find new ways to enrage Batman. (And rage is Christian Bale’s forte, as I’m sure McG will confirm.) Have the Penguin and Mr. Freeze run around like an evil Dukes of Hazzard and have Batman try to stop them. Heck, you can even have Dennis, Charlie and Mac be the henchmen for the Penguin and they can all plan their capers in a bar for all I care. If you want them to kidnap Rachel Dawes, at some point, so be it, though I don’t think she’s necessary in this film.
I’m sure there will be complaints that the film is too male-centric and pumped full of testosterone and that there’s not enough of a female presence, but since Arnold Schwarzenegger is the film, I’m sure that’s why people have come to expect and love about the guy. I’m sure critics will deride the film for being pointless… and for being made by Joel Schumacher, but I think I’ve proven to myself that I’ll be able to put my ego aside if a writing opportunity came up in the future. While the script may not be very good, at least I’ve had a lot of fun with it, and that’s what’s I’ve been hoping for: not fame or fortune, but being able to do something that I love.
Some time ago, I wrote a story about my mother and her shopping habits and I promised that I would run an experiment to see if I could curb those habits. I came up with an experiment to see if I’ll ever be able to put up with my mom at the mall. I announced this experiment in public, in front of about 100 people, including my parents. Because the general business of life, I’ve yet to complete the entire experiment but I was able to get some research done. I’ve recently taken my mom to South Coast Plaza, and my findings from this trip are quite interesting.
I was with both of my parents when we went to Macys, and my mom decided that she wanted to look for a new hat. As she looked through some hats, I would bring her the most ridiculous hat I could fine. She would put it on, take a look in the mirror, and then take it off. This routine continued for a few more hats until she realized that I was intentionally bringing her gross looking hats. She wasn’t upset at me, she thought it was pretty funny, but my dad wasn’t amused at all by it. He told us to hurry up and leave (my dad is not a fan of the mall, especially when my mom is there – he once told me to marry a girl who’s not as short as my mom so it’ll be easier for me to pick her out of a crowd at a mall). I wasn’t able to derive much from this visit to the mall as far as finding away to keep my mom in check but I found something out about myself. I am the ultimate enabler.
While my mom didn’t buy a hat that day, I was very much encouraging her to try on as many hats as possible. If it wasn’t for my dad’s intervention, we could’ve wasted a lot of time in the hat department. (Which in a way, would be a success since I wouldn’t have to wonder where my mom disappeared to.) I’ve realized that over the past couple of years, I’ve been present when my friend’s have made some very expensive purchases, which are out of the ordinary for them. If it had happened once, I would’ve chalked it up to coincidence, but now I feel I must look to see if there’s something about me that makes people comfortable about spending large amounts of money.
I do have a background in retail sales, but I never was known to be a “used car salesman”; someone that tries to weasel as much money out of his/her customers, so I’m not sure how much that has to do with anything. I’ve also wondered if some of my past purchases have sparked the interest for my friends to make purchases. That would make sense for my friends who’ve recently splurged on music equipment. I’ve bought a lot of pedals and a couple of guitars the last couple of years so maybe it’s inspired them to go and get their own stuff. Also, it’s not out of the question that I had subconscious ulterior motives. When my friends buy new gear, that means there’s a chance that I might get to borrow said new gear. Of course that theory doesn’t seem to work for every case.
Recently my friend bought a new purse. It was a name brand purse and it’s very nice, if I may say so myself. This was a big purchase for my friend and they admitted that if they didn’t buy it that day, that they would probably convince themselves not to buy it at all. They had recently gone through some annoying situations over the past couple of weeks and felt like they wanted to get themselves a present for having to put up with that nonsense. The main reason I came alone, was not to convince her or dissuade her, but to grab dinner afterwards. Obviously, I’m not looking to borrow my friend’s purse and there are no romantic interests between us. I was just along for the ride because there was a promise of food at the end of the trip.
None of my friends spent beyond their means when they made these purchases, so it’s not like these instances are things I should feel guilty about. I used to tell people that we needed to go out and stimulate and save the economy by splurging, but I’m pretty sure everyone understood it was a joke. None of my friends seriously blame me for their once in a life carefree spending sprees, but I’ve been teased about it. I guess I can conclude that people have a good time spending money when I’m around and perhaps that’s why my mom likes going shopping so much. Maybe I’m the problem, after all, or maybe it’s because the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I guess we’ll find out as I conduct the rest of the experiment.
When I got back from my Minneapolis/Chicago trip last summer, I didn’t think anyone would’ve really realized that I was gone. I was gone for about a week (mental note: stay longer so you can goto to Lalapalooza next time), and I had access to a computer/iPhone so it’s not like I had disappeared from the face of the planet. When I got back, some people asked me how the trip was and I shared about my cousin’s wedding, hanging out with my best friend and his brothers, and heading down to Chicago to see Phil, a friend/roommate from college and his new place. The big surprise was that Charis (9 years old at the time) and Allison (7) told me that it looked like I had a really good time on my vacation from the pictures they saw from my trip.
Throughout my trip, I was twittering pics of the food I ate and the restaurants I visited in between Minneapolis and Chicago (yes, I’m one of those people). The girls’ fathers have Twitter accounts so I assume that’s how they got access to my adventures. So the girls had seen the Chicago style pizza, the Chicago style hot dogs, the Mastodon burger, and Izzy’s ice cream. While I have no problems with the fact that they saw what I got to eat (and it was delicious), it also means that they might’ve seen some of my other tweets like:
@fancyhoodies: Just sat next to a tranny on the bus. Dude/dudette totally could’ve kicked my butt.
I don’t mind that they read my Twitter. I don’t see it as an invasion of privacy or anything, and my Twitter is relatively PG and I don’t tweet extremely personal thoughts. I just find it amusing that they are interested in my life at all. This was all before our little Technicolor show, and I believe it was before I asked them to participate as my assistants, so at the time I was just Uncle Ryan, and not this guy who was giving them their own dressing room and free reign of a theater stage.
I have a pretty comfortable relationship with the girls, to the point where they’re bold enough to ask me for some creative control when it comes to future shows. I haven’t promised them anything but I’m definitely open to expanding their roles within the show. I haven’t told them this because I need to come up with material, and the best way for me to come up with material for them is to observe them in normal conversations and remember the funniest things that come out of their mouths, and they definitely don’t disappoint. From Allison commenting on the ugliness of the girls in her Nintendo DS game to Charis letting out a loud hearty “Muahahaha” when her Dad pretended to be crucified on a cross for a Passover re-enactment, I’ve quickly learned that they are pretty hilarious entertainers even when they aren’t on stage. They’ve criticized their Uncle Barrett for not knowing what color fuchsia resembles and they’ve told me that facial hair is not my thing. They’re pretty quick witted in normal conversation.
I’ve heard so many ridiculous things from them that I’ve been tempted to start a Twitter thread in the vein of #(Explitive)MyDadSays, but then I probably would have to explain to them how I got the idea, and a lot of the humor would probably be lost in translation. Then there’s the whole issue of exploitation and I think starting a Twitter thread about the silly things a 10 and 9 year old say to me kind of crosses that line. I don’t think they’d actually mind that much since they both want to be actresses, and anything that will help them stand out is probably a good thing at this point.
They put on a play for me this past Friday at a house and while I can’t say there was a whole lot of material I could pull from their show (aside from the zombie bunny who wasn’t played by either of them), it’s good to see that they’ve got the creative juices flowing and that they’re trying out new material. One day, not too long ago, I was at a friend’s house giving my first preview show, and while things didn’t go as smoothly as planned, I persevered from there. Hopefully like myself, the girls will go back and refine their ideas, and they’ll eventually come up with a product that will be embraced when the lights go on and the curtain is drawn back. I have no doubt that they can up with something great, because I believe you can only be engaging on stage when you’re already engaging in life. That’s what I banked on with my writings and my show, and since I’m often given a front row seat for the Charis and Allison show (or should it be the Allison and Charis show?), I know that they’ve definitely got the beginning of something special. I can’t wait for our next show, because you’ll get to see what I get to see what I see on a regular basis, and I know you won’t be disappointed.
Sometimes I’ll go to the mall and see a group of teens and wonder if the kids these are days are getting uglier or if just looking ugly is the new trend. I definitely didn’t look like that and neither did anyone I went to high school with. From the hair style to the make up to the clothes, if these kids weren’t actually ugly, they were trying their hardest to look ugly. I never thought I would lose touch with what’s cool with kiddies so quickly, if at all. I was not going to grow old, I was going to age gracefully and still be hip.
To be more specific, girls would show up in bikinis, with huge pink furry boots, and Hello Kitty backpacks, along with the aforementioned glow sticks and jewelry. Guys, likewise, would show up in nothing but speedos, backpacks, but without boots. Now, I’ve never been to a rave before, but I’ve been told this new wardrobe ensemble is a fairly new thing to rave culture. These people looked young, like in the 16-20 year old range, so it wasn’t exciting for me to see these scantily clad girls prancing around, it just made me feel creepy and dirty. Obviously these kids didn’t leave the house looking like that, or least I hope not. No sane parent would be okay with their kid dressing like that and heading out to the boonies for a “concert”, right?